Monday, January 28, 2008

Queen of Everything

I'm hijacking an idea from fellow blogger, The Baronness, who wrote a witty post a few days ago listing some things she'd do if she ruled the world. She got me to thinking, and lots of things jumped to mind. Baronness, I hope you don't mind me borrowing your idea.

So if Barbra Peapod were promoted Queen of Everything, in charge of the world and universe, here are few things that would happen immediately:

1.) I would make the standard workweek 3 days long and the weekend would be 4 days. Not sure who invented the current system, but it sucks. Salaries would not be affected.

2.) The European tradition of "siesta" would be brought to our great melting pot of a country -- why did everything but that seem to melt in? I don't actually like napping or sleeping because I feel like I'm missing something, but the idea of lounging and rejuvenating during the mid-afternoon hours sounds like a wonderful idea to me.

3.) My friend Mira would have lifetime subscriptions to every make-up and beauty magazine she desired. It is true that no one in the world could possibly love make-up more than Mira!!

4.) I would make it illegal for myself to drive in the snow, ice, or night-time rain. I could be arrested, jail or tarred and feathered if caught driving in bad weather, so I'd absolutely have to stay home.

5.) All animals would be forbidden to touch me. They would know this and stay away. This includes mosquitos, all bugs, dogs, cats, flies, anything swimming near my feet or body, and some toddlers. Just kidding, I like kids just fine. But I'm allergic to animals and scared to death of bugs, especially the ones that fly and bite. I do actually pet animals, but it would be a law of the universe that only I could initiate contact.

6.) Radio sing-a-longs would be encouraged (maybe even mandatory), but no singing louder than the radio. However, it would be okay to keep turning it up if you wanted to sing louder. There would be no such thing as noise violations or angry neighbors who hate singing and fun. They would all be tortured in a small chamber and subjected to 24-hour tapes of my friends and I singing.

7.) It would be okay to punch people in the face who try to get on an elevator without first letting everyone exit.

8.) The Supreme Barbra Peapod would abolish the dress code at work. Personally, I think the people who make fools out of themselves by wearing goofy shit make the world more interesting. Hoochie top? Not a problem. Mesh t-shirt? Good for you. Tight jeans? Shake ya moneymaker! Prom dress? What-ev. Green hair? As long as it's not contagious. See how much fun that could be?! If I ruled the world and showed up one day to conquer the world of government-funded health insurance in a sparkly cocktail dress with a snazzy up-do, no one would think I was weird. In fact, I would set trends. The focus would be changed to nabbing people who think it's okay to pee on the toilet seat.

9.) TV commericals would be optional. Political advertising would have it's own channel for people who like that sort of thing. It would be banned from all other channels.

10.) I'd have a private jet to take me anywhere I wanted on a whim. It might even be invisible, like Wonder Woman's jet .... so I could surprise people. I may even show up wearing my Wonder Woman wig (yes, I have one). In fact, add to #8 ... wearing wigs would be normal.


Kelly said...

Queenie - would you please decree that fat 40 year old mothers be considered the most attractive people on earth (besides yourself - of course)? And skinny nubial young B's are to be jailed?

Los said...

I gotta say, I'm all for the relaxing of dress codes at work. When I worked for Lockheed, I didn't have to wear a suit or sports coat, or tie. It was one of the great perks, and made it difficult to leave.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Mind? I love it!!Oh, Great Queen Babs, borrow away. Some comments:
2) Mamma loves the naps. I would humbly request the name be changed,however, to Siesst-ahhh,
4) See my post today. Should be a school where we could all get sum lernin'on that one.
5) Slightly confused - don't you live with someone lovingly referred to as "Davey Dog". Where in the animal kingdom does he fit in?
6) The louder the better. I always said, if I'm going to take singing lessons, it's going to have to be while driving around in my car.
10) OOoh, would you come and get all your blogger buddies? We could have our own version of "Soul Plane" - we'd have too much fun for our own damn selves!