Friday, November 30, 2007

Techno Terlits

If you don’t like toilet talk, no need to read any further. I’m about to digress into some of my observations on automated bathrooms in the 21st century. Public bathrooms are becoming more and more automated and quite frankly, I’m not sure I like it. Sure, anything’s better than an outhouse, but I’m not sure I need a techno-terlit either.

I hate the automatic flushing sensors. Sometimes the flusher begins before I’m ready, and that’s just wrong. I don't know if I'm unknowingly moving around too much when hovering and I'm triggering the sensor, but there’s a serious design flaw when a toilet flushes before I’m ready AND the flush is so powerful that an “old faithful” effect is created. If I wanted a bidet, I’d have one. God forbid you have to actually sit on the seat – an unexpected flush could result in an unexpected enema. I know it’s gross, but I’m right … aren’t I? I want control of the flush so I have time to clear my hovercraft out of the way.

Next on my hit list are the automated dispensers for paper towels, soap and water. I don’t know if I’m waving too fast or too slow, but I never seem to get what I need when I need it. When the soap dispenser does decide to cooperate, it’s usually after I’ve given up and moved my hands out of the way. I wish the flushing sensors were more like this!

I discovered a new toilet gadget in the ladies room at the Louisville Airport that I’ve never seen anywhere else. There’s a machine affixed to the toilet that holds a bunch of plastic wrap for the seat. You push a button, then the plastic rotates around to give you a “fresh” piece of plastic to sit on. Good in theory, but let me tell you – this is a wolf in sheep’s clothing!! First, the plastic only rotates 3-4 inches at a time so you’re never getting a full seat worth of fresh plastic. If you land your hovercraft, the left cheek may be kept clean but the right cheek remains vulnerable. And, don’t be fooled into thinking you’ll get fresh plastic by pushing the button 10 times! I’ve inspected this thing quite thoroughly (because I’m weird like that) and hell if I can tell where the used plastic went and where the "new" plastic came from. Sherlock here thinks it's the same piece of plastic going around and around the bowl. No way is this girl’s hovercraft landing there!!

All this being said, I have to agree with Dorothy: “There’s no place like home!”


Los said...

I especially hate the paper towel dispensers ... they never give you enough paper towels! The sensors at Vanguard are pretty good with regards to washing hands and getting soap. The ones at the Wachovia Center are awful.

Anonymous said...

The worst think i've ever seen in a bathroom is the cloth towel dispenser at the toll house. Is it even legal? Its like bacteria sponge. Needless to say, don't shake my hand if you see me in the tollhouse.

The Baroness von B said...

As a aspiring conspiracy theorist, here's my latest... I think that there is only 1 plastic toilet seat on that revolving thing-a-ma-jig, and all the machine does is keep moving it around and around. Just how freakin' stoooopid do they think we are?

Nice to know that I'm not the only one obsessed with public (or should I say "pubic"?) toilets. Thanks for the comments!

Hygienically yours,
The Baroness :>)