Monday, November 5, 2007

Nice buldge!

I know I told a couple of people this story about a recent trip to CVS, but I'm going to write about it anyway. It's just one of those things so typical of a day in the life of me. It also gave me quite a chuckle.

So a few weeks ago I had a nasty sinus cold and was feeling really really crappy. After an entire day of nose-blowing and sneezing, I decided to suck it up and make the 8 block trek to the CVS at 10th & Reed. In my leggings, a big sweatshirt, no makeup and a ratty pontyail I ventured to CVS for some relief to my clogged-up sinuses. After wandering about 15 feet into the store, I felt something weird on the back of my leg. I stopped and reached down, only to discover a massive lump in my pants. Not something growing on my leg, but something stuffed in my pants. And it was big. I didn't have my purse with me, so I couldn't reach in and do a quick grab n stuff. I wasn't sure what to do. I stood there feeling it for a minute trying to determine if it was pantyhose ... or underwear ... or a big sock. Would it be clean or dirty? I just didn't know. I couldn't pull it out, because how could I explain walking around CVS with a pair of underwear in my hands? As I stood in the middle of the store feeling and contemplating this lump, I had an immediate panic: What if I'm on camera right now and someone thinks I'm trying to steal something? I pictured the scene: security guard comes over and accuses me of stealing a bag of Halloween candy, and my only defense is to reveal my stash. Trick or treat ... it's a pair of my underwear! I'd have to show it to prove my innocence. I couldn't let this happen.

As this scene played out in my head I realized that I was probably drawing unwanted attention to myself. I immediately stopped touching my pants and tried to walk inconspicuously to the back of the store for my cold medicine so I could hurry up and get the hell outta there. Could I pull off this purchase without the blob falling out of my pants? Or getting stopped for shoplifting my own undergarments?

The cashier's line was huge, but I waited my turn and didn't worry about the scads of people behind me who were probably speculating about my massive buldge.

When I got back to my car, I pulled the mystery lump from the ankle of my pants. Voila -- it was a pair of underwear. I had a pretty good laugh all by myself right there in the parking lot.


Kelly Regan said...

You should have turned to that line of people, looked them squarely in the eyes, and said it was your parasitic twin brother Hugo .... and he had a cold.

Lisa said...

Bahahaaa!!! Funny you mention parasitic twins on the same day the news reported on the surgery getting ready to take place for a little girl with a parasitic twin. She has 4 arms, 4 legs and 4 kidneys. I didn't hear anything about extra underwear. (By the way, thanks for reading! ... LL)

Los said...

You never told us if the underwear was clean or dirty!