E C N A L U B M A

These are the letters written on the front of every ambulance. They're written backwards so that drivers can actually read the word "ambulance" when looking in their rear view mirrors, and properly identify this as an emergency vehicle.

If it weren't written backwards so everybody could read its name-tag, what would people think this sirened, speeding, light-flashing vehicle shaped like an ambulance was? An ice cream truck?

Why not add a question to the Driver's License exam: "What is this vehicle?" .... show a picture of an ambulance with the label missing. If someone can't figure it out, it should be immediate failure.

The impetus for this lil dissertation? This morning I was at an intersection with an ambulance in front of me, one behind me and one going through the intersection. It got me thinking about these things ..... and also how some people call it an "am-bew-LANTS."

Crack Addiction

I admit it - I'm a crack addict.

Not crack as in the drug. And I'm not addicted to butt cracks either. (Although I do enjoy toilet jokes ... thanks Los for feeding this addition!)

No ..... I'm addicted to cracking myself.

Not "up", as in cracking myself up with laughter (although I can be quite funny if you catch me in one of my oddball moods). But no ... that's not the cracking I'm addicted to.

My problem is that I can't stop cracking myself, as in my joints.

Between my fingers and toes, I am a one-woman drumline. And it doesn't take much effort ... just a little twitching here and there and voila .... everything cracks. Good neck cracks are rare, but ahhhhh ... they feel so good.

Now that I think about this crack addiction, the start of it may have been one night ~10 years ago when Oompalina and I still lived together and her hot chiropractor boy toy was hanging at our place. Somehow I ended up cracking an egg on my head in exchange for a professional neck crack. I'm not entirely sure how we arrived at that deal, but it was pretty funny and felt great. If you're going to let someone give your head a 360 spin while still attached to your body, it may as well be a good-looking guy.

I used to be able to crack my back until about 6 years ago when I tripped over my laptop cord and did a belly-flop across my living room floor, causing me to herniate a disk. That was the end of my back cracks, unfortunately.

My best shoulder cracks usually come when I'm hiking up my scuba suit. Boys -- yes, I scuba dive in my spare time. Girls - you know what I'm talkin 'bout.

My wrists crack when I'm driving, without even trying. My right elbow cracks sometimes, but that hurts. I'm not addicted to that. My knees ... well, that makes me feel old when they crack. (But secretly, it feels pretty good.)

I know it's such a gross habit. Nobody wants to sit around listening to someone crack every joint in their body. I really hate it. I'm hoping that by confronting my crack addiction I can be on the road to recovery. As Whitney says "Crack is whack."

Anybody else share my addiction, or have one you'd like to share?

Carrie vs. Miranda

So this week the massively hyped "Sex and the City" movie premiers, and I really couldn't be more excited. I've seen every episode of the series at least 3 times, and still want more. For those of you who are fans, you know it's the friendship and kooky personalities that keep us watching. That and the "girl talk only" truths revealed on camera that bond us women like a secret society that's not-so-secret anymore. At some point, we all (or at least me and everyone I know) have been dreamers, sluts, career girls, unable to settle into a man, a shoe, a life that fits.

Anyway, all of this reminds me of a dinner party I went to at my friend Kelly's house years ago. Somehow, all of the girls ended up in a room taking a "Which Sex and the City character are you most like" quiz on the computer. It meant nothing to me because at that point I had no HBO and had never seen the show. I don't remember which character I was like, but I do remember somebody explaining the characters to me: "you want to be like Carrie, she's cool .... but not Miranda, she's the homely, ugly one."

Hmmm.

Now that I know the characters, I can't say I'd want to be like Carrie. I think she's the most annoying of the 4 girls, and aside from her over-the-top shoe collection and writing career, I don't know there's much I envy about her. I always thought she was weak and a whiner, not to mention stupid for dumping Aidan.

The "homely" Miranda? I've actually come to really like her character, and would never use the word "homely" to describe her. She's smart, successful ... a little edgy and hard on the outside, but soft on the inside. Hmm, sounds familiar. I will say this, I hate her hair.

So next week I'll have a movie review for you. I've purposefully avoided the shows about the movie so I can be surprised. I'll let you know .....

I'm Baaaaack!!

Just a quick post to let the 5 people who read this blog know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth! I am finally back from all my travels over the last months, most recently to Boston, Palm Springs, and Phoenix - by accident.

BTW, I have a new phone number so if you've been trying to reach me and can't, I'll be sending an email today with my new number.

Hope all is well with you, and am looking forward to getting caught up on your posts for the last 3 weeks.

Travel Pics: The Kentucky Derby

Tada! Here are the last of the vacation photos -- and my faves, I must say. This is the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs.

When they call it the most exciting 2 minutes in sports, they're really not lying. In fact, there's no doubt the excitement lasted longer than 2 minutes -- it was a full day affair. I'm craving a mint julep as I look at these .....

The inside of the Paddock -- where owners, trainers, jockeys and horses get ready before the race. It's kind of like an outdoor dressing room.

And here's the outside of the paddock, where the rest of us stand and watch. The section of the building in the middle of this picture is part of the original Churchill Downs -- with the twin spires. The tall section to the left is part of a multi-million dollar expansion -- some hate it because they say it takes away from the original charm. Maybe it does, but considering the size of the crowd I can understand why they added it.

Schue -- fancy dress, fancy hat!

Moi, in my Derby best.

The back of my hat

The scenery

I almost forgot, there was a horse race too. Here's Big Brown running down the stretch about 50 yards from the finish line.

Mint juleps in hand and tres glamourrrrous!

Travel Pics: Pre-Derby

The pre-Derby festivities in Louisville are tons of fun. There are lots of events every day, and I was lucky enough to get to partake ....

WEDNESDAY - Dawn at the Downs

A view of the grandstands from the backside of the track.

The Breffis Crew in the backside track kitchen. Can you tell I'm obsessed with the word backside?

Proud Belle finishing her workout. She went on to win the Kentucky Oaks race on Friday. Oaks Day is when the locals go to the track -- just as fancy as Derby, but not quite the hype and crowd.

Yours truly, enjoying some coffee and the horsies.

LATER THAT DAY ..... I scored tix to go on one of the Steamboats for the "big" boat race I'd never heard of. As it turns out, it was awesome. See ....

Here's the boat we raced against. I didn't know we were actually in the race until we were done. Our boat looked exactly like this.

Enough scenery ... here's me with the Derby Princesses.


Now for the good stuff .... here's the million-dollar baby and her proud papa!

THUSRDAY ..... Pegasus Parade

"THROWDOWN!" with Bobby Filet

Nigel ... can you tell how much he loves us?

FRIDAY -- It poured buckets all day and night, which kinda put the kabosh on our wandering around. But -- we still went to an Oaks Party, and then honky tonkin afterwards ......

Schue hanging by the fireplace with the funky tile. The pictures don't do this house justice ... it was spectacular. They are never invited to my little plebe house.

Me and my big fuzzy hair with some party peeps.

Now for the treasures ..... Coyotes, Louisville's original honky tonk. This was after the Oaks Party.....

Schue and I having some pre-bull courage.

Schue with Crazy Christina, a miscellaneous freak from Tennessee who picked up a hitch-hiker along the way and gave him Pringles and $1. She was dressed to impress, otherwise she would have to sleep in her car. How do we meet these people?

Is that Debra Winger?

Oh no, Sissy fell off the bull!!!

NEXT UP: The Doybee ....

Travel Pics: Talladega

Here are some photos from the Talladega NASCAR experience .....

Our campsite ... notice the cornhole set-up on the right. Our personal porta-potty on the left.

4 Happy Campers - Pam, DeDe, Tammy and me

Shopping at the Haulers ... where I bought my clothes. haha!

First night - Here's the set-up at the karaoke dance party

The dancers are getting warmed up

Pam's cutting a rug in her new "Hey Junior, wanna mount and dew me?" t-shirt! (sorry, I still haven't mastered how to rotate)

Gentlemen, start your engines

Nuttin like a little cornhole!! This was a SERIOUS match with our neighbors from Mississippi.

Second night - a scene from the turkey-fry, campfire singalong

Sunday ... the big race!!! Where's the Wonder Bread car?

Tomorrow's pics: Pre-Derby Festivities ....

Another Update from the Road ......

I'm gonna be writing and posting pics of my trip for days to come once I finally get back to Philly. In the meantime, here's an update of what's been going on since the parade and celebrity sightings:

Friday was Oaks Day. At first I was jealous because the weather was so beautiful .... until about 1:30 when all hell broke loose and it downpoured - hard - for the next 18 hours. Didn't stop Schue and I though. I don't want to spoil the pictures, so I'll just give a little summary of Friday: a little honky tonkin, a schmancy Oaks party, mechanical bull riding, and a fried bologna party in a parking lot.

Saturday was Derby Day. I don't know how I could possibly find the words to adequately describe the day, so I'll take the high road and just do a little free word association. You say "Derby," I say:

searsucker
hats
money
sunshine
mint juleps
cigars
searsucker
wealth
sundresses
Gatsby
searsucker
flowers
horses
fancy
blue skies
luxury
searsucker
exhiliarating
celebrity
suits
sandals
extravagant

It was one of the most spectacular events I've ever attended, to say the least. Words just can't do it justice. Oh, and did I mention I've never seen so much searsucker in my whole life? Anyway, I know the whole event has a black cloud of tragedy hanging over it now, but I'm not sorry to say that 90% of the people at the track (including Schue and I) were oblivious to the whole thing because of the location where it happened. You simply couldn't see anything and there were no announcements. It's selfish to say (but I'll say it anyway), I'm glad I didn't find out til later --- the day was so much like something out of a movie, I want to remember it the way I experienced it. And my pics turned out incredible ... I can't wait to share!!

Sunday was moving day. We changed back to my normal hotel, now that it's no longer $4000 a night. We watched a terrible movie yesterday -- "There Will Be Blood." It ought to be re-named "There Will Be Snoring." With Daniel Day Lewis in it, I should have known that it would be too weird for me. Not to be a movie dummy, but I'm thinking I would've enjoyed "27 Dresses"much more. Those Oscar people are idiots. Just to be sure weren't literally bored to death, we revived ourselves and went for a nice dinner at the Maker's Mark Restaurant. Want to share in our experience? Close your eyes and picture this: order warm goat cheese appetizer ... waitress thinks it's a good idea (sucks in helium without you looking), and screams "yayyyyy" in a high pitched 2-year old voice ...... drop your knife on the ground and need a new one? .... helium -sucker waitress presents a new knife on a fancy red folded napkin like she's presenting a prestigous award .... I say 'thank you" .... helium sucker screams "yayyyyy" ..... we ask for dessert menu in case a bourbon ball should be in our future ..... helium-sucker screams "yayyyyy" ...... people next to us order fried chicken .... "yayyyyyy" ..... "we'll take the check please" ..... "yayyyyyyy." OK, open your eyes! YAYYYYYYYYY ... you survived my story of a 2 1/2-hour dinner at Maker's Mark.

And so now it's Monday and I had to go back to work. This time tomorrow I'll be back at my own little home sweet home, hugging and kissing my sweetie, and anxiously awaiting a good night's sleep in my own bed. It's been a long two weeks, but I wouldn't change a thing about it. Who'd have thought going to Kentucky and Alabama for 2 weeks would be one of those experiences of a lifetime -- and a good one, at that?!?!!

I really can't wait to show the pics ..... they are fabulous!

Celebrity Update

The Pegasus Parade tonight was surprisingly awesome! Schue and I had a great time watching the entire thing from an open window on the 3rd floor of my office (which overlooked the parade route) -- perfect spot. We were low and close enough that the people in the parade could see us waving and hear us screaming to them. And since we were the only ones up high, we were very noticeable. Also lucky for us, we were both having incredibly good hair nights with our curled tresses glistening in the breeze and setting sunlight.

So not only did we see the celebs, but they saw us. Here's who got to check us out tonight in Looeyville:

• Carrie Ann Inaba - Dancing with the Stars judge (duh, as if everybody didn't know that already!)
• Bobby "Filet" (as Schue's dad calls him instead of Flay) - we yelled "Throwdown!!" and he turned and waved at us, then told his floating crew of chefs to wave to us. I think he thought we were cute because he kept turning his head to look back at us and wave.
• Nigel Barker from America's Top Model - not only did he wave and point, but he blew kisses to us!!! YES!
• Some couple from the Amazing Race -- who cares.
• Jason Kennedy from E! News - He might have caught some kind of Philadelphia fever because this guy waved as he approached, as he passed, and then nearly twisted his head off as he stared and waved for the next 200 yards down the parade route.

OK, that's it for now. Let us know if you see us on TV!!!

.... and the Derby's not til Saturday!!

Louisville, Kentucky is jumping, my friends!!!

This city is buzzing with activity, all leading up to the big Derby on Saturday, and I am LOVING it!!! Remember field day in elementary school with all the fun and games? Well, that's what it's like in Louisville this week .... but on steroids. Lots of steroids. Like more than Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds have taken times a hundred. Less I digress .....

Despite having slept a total of about 8 hours in the last 2 weeks, I am soaking it all in and having a blast. Here's what's been shakin' over the last few days since I got back from Talladega:

• Wednesday morning I went to "Dawn at the Downs." A gal I work with here is a horse owner and got a bunch of us into the breakfast they serve "on the backside" at the track from 6-10am. No, they don't fry up eggs on somebody's ass ..... it's the opposite side of the track from the famous twin spires. This is where all of the barns are, jockey quarters, trainers, owners, etc. It is absolutely cool cool cool. We watched a few Derby and Oaks horses work out. I met somebody who is apparently the most recognizable face in Kentucky, but had no clue who he was.

• Then, I worked for about 5 minutes and someone gave me tickets to go on one of the boats in the Steamboat Race. I had no idea what this was all about, but thought "Boats are cool. Okay I'll go." Problem was, I had to give out the other ticket and find someone else to go with me at the last minute. Luckily, someone accepted the invite and off we went to ride The Belle of Louisville. I had NO idea what a spectacular offer this really was. 3 hours cruising the river with dinner, open bar, a band, and a dance floor. I chatted with some very nice man about the dirt spots on his shirt, only to find out after the fact that he is the Mayor of Louisville. bahahaaa! Oh, and a celeb was onboard -- Larry Birkhead (you know, Anna Nicole's babydaddy) and Dannielynn. I got great pics of them because they were sitting right behind us .... here I come Star and InTouch, get out the checkbook!!! I also met and danced with somebody who is a famous poet and sculptor from Louisville, and he just won their local Dancing With the Stars contest (Ed Hamilton? I'd never heard of him, but he was very very nice) . It was a wayyyyyy fun boat ride!!

• Later that night, Schue arrived. We had a few cocktails, then off to bed. Wait, I forgot to mention we laid in bed eating triscuits with spray cheese and some pizza she found in her backpack. There's a long history of Schue and I being in a bed with food in it, but I won't steal her thunder ... I think she's going to blog about it soon.

Anyway .....

• While I had to work today, Schue hung out at "Fourth Street Live" (a local area of restaurants, bars, shops, etc) with the cast of The Real World France and some guy from The Challenge (I have no idea what that show is). I think she thought one of them was Mario Batali at first, but then caught onto who they really were. They even invited "the poor pretty girl sitting by herself" to join them at their table!!! Lucky duck!

• We checked into a different hotel because the one where I normally stay charges $4,000 a night during Derby, and my company will no-way no-how pay that kinda money. (And neither will I!) So we checked into our new hotel which looks like a motel at the Jersey Shore ... a far cry from the celeb-studded luxury we just left .... only to open the door to the room and find half the furniture sitting in the middle of the bed! Um, not a good sign. As it turned out, they'd just finished cleaning the carpets and the place really isn't all that bad. Those dumb asses paying 4K a night don't even have a coffee pot in their room .... but we do!! So there!

In a few minutes, we're headed out to watch some of the Pegasus parade, then to the Chow Wagon. Silly me thought we were actually getting on a wagon (because I've apparently fallen off of mine!), but there's no wagon involved. It's supposedly like a big food and beer fair with music. Yipee! These ARE a few of my favorite things!!

Alrighty, time to go. I've got a parade to watch ... a non-wagon chow wagon to check out ... and elbows to rub.