Thursday, March 27, 2008

Play Footsie? I don't think so!

It's almost time for everyone to bare their toes, which means I'm gearing up for months of being grossed out. Feet are NOT my thing, to say the least. When I was in college, I did the "visual accessories" assignment for my Speech Communications class about the "Top 10 Things I Hate About Feet." I was just reminded of the upcoming season of visual atrocities by a commercial featuring a woman getting a pedicure. The thing that never fails to astonish me about women getting pedicures is they all look relaxed and appreciative of the pampering -- not just in a commercial, but in the real-life salons too!

How can this be?

When I go for a pedicure, I've got a death grip on the chair and it's all I can do not to kick the girl in the teeth. Having my toenails filed is NOT, in any way, relaxing. (Not to mention, I can't figure out why they insist on filing what's not even long enough to be filed.) I got an uncomfortable chill all over my body, just typing those words and visualizing the scene. The whole experience -- filing, heel shaving, foot scrubbing and tickling, cuticle scraping ... seeing the feet sitting in the chair next to me ... pictures hanging on the wall offending me with images of long toenails adorned with french pedicures and jewelry!!!

That's not luxury ... it's a torture chamber!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK!!! I will admit to enjoying the part where they massage your calves. But that's it.

Unfortunately, pedicures are a necessity if you ever want to wear a sandal ... which is pretty much the only kind of shoe around from May to September. Plus, who wants a sweaty foot trapped in an enclosed upper (leather or otherwise) when it's 100 degrees out? Those dogs need to BREATHE!!!

I already had to have one pedicure for vacation, but the bi-weekly routine is getting ready to start-up again. I'm dreading it. Nevertheless, out of respect for my fellow humans ... to save their eyeballs from the sprain caused by yet another pair of unsightly feet, I'll pull out my Joan-of-Arc costume and throw my feet on the sacrificial footrest.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there who thinks pedicures are a skeevy experience!?!


Sandi said...

I have a friend who hates feet too. She NEVER wears open-toe shoes.

I, on the other hand, LOVE pedicures.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Skeevy? This is a very funny word. I must admit that I, too, USED to hate the idea of a stranger touching my cloven hooves. But one day I was chatting with the esthetician, and asked her if my feet were the yuckiest she'd seen (I'm so competitive...). She told me that one of her first clients was a life-long commercial fisherman (think day after day in wet, steamy rubber boots) who had asked for a gift cert for a pedi as a retirement gift. She said his feet were the "skeeviest" she'd ever seen, and that all others paled in comparison. Think of this next time your white-knuckling it. You are a pretty princess!

Asthmagirl said...

I understand and yet....

Anonymous said...

I love pedicures! Unfortunately, I have the world's ugliest feet - this partially due to being born with six, yes 6 toes on my right foot. Size 9 1/2 is not dainty nor cute and the worlds longest toes are an added insult. Thank heaven for peep-toe shoes... kat

Cary said...

Feet are gross.

Sandals are gross on men. The last thing I want to see when I'm trying to eat is some hairy dude's hairy feet in Tevas or Birkenstocks.

Put on some GD shoes, you GD faux hippie-wannabe. This ain't the fuckin' 60s.