Flu Schmoo

I'm all pandemicked out.


This swine flu hype is getting out of control. It's the flu and it's treatable. Yes, people can die from it .... just like the regular flu. Yes, people in more than one country have it ... just like the regular flu. Outbreaks at colleges? Yes, just like other stuff that goes around when people swap a lot of spit and live in close quarters.

This is actually a picture of people who are suspected of having swine flu. I mean seriously, take a Tamiflu and suck it up. Then stop touching dirty, sick pigs and for God's sake ... cover your mouth when you cough. By the looks of this picture you'd think they were being treated for the dreaded MOOBY FOOBY!!

Personally, I think driving on I-95 is scarier than any flu you could ever face.

Wasted Talent

I have a secret to confess --- I am a closet Michael Jackson fan.

Not the Michael Jackson who serves Jesus juice to little boys and has completely disfigured himself. But I like his old music.

In fact, all of his music is old because he hasn't had much of a career in probably about 15 years. As I car-danced to "Shake Your Body Down to the Ground" the other day, I started thinking about wasted talent. Whether or not you're a Michael Jackson fan, I think it's safe to say that he was a talented performer, and he let it go in favor of ...... what, I'm not sure of.


Here are some other folks who have wasted their talent. They're all still alive, so who knows .... maybe some could make a come-back.

Amy Winehouse

She's a total mess, which is ashame because she's actually got a great voice.

Eddie Murphy

Back in the days of "Delirious", "Raw" and "Trading Places" he was one of the funniest people I've ever seen. Now, he's a one-trick pony. He first played a bunch of different characters in "Coming to America", which was hilarious. Unfortunately, he never evolved past that and his career is pretty much a dud. Very disappointing.

Elizabeth Taylor

Although her health has deteriorated and I'm sure it would difficult, if not impossible, for her to work now, she hasn't really done much of anything for about 35 years. Back in her heydey, she was great and I always hoped she'd make at least one great movie in my time.

Steve Perry - Journey

He had a hip replacement about 15 years ago, and somewhere along the line decided to leave the band. Apparently he got bent out of shape because he thought his band members were a little nosey about his health condition. That's a very good reason to give up your career and do, uh... nothing. And for the record, the impersonator who is touring with the band is awesome.

T.O.

You could argue that he hasn't wasted his talent because he still plays football and make millions. BUT, here's a guy that could've been a Hall of Famer, but decided to be a big a-hole instead. Even the Cowboys wouldn't keep him!! What does that say about him?

Whitney Houston

I keep hearing rumblings about a come-back, and I hope she does. I still think she has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard .... let's hope she didn't ruin it with a crack pipe.

Winona Ryder

(She hasn't really done much since the whole shop-lifting thing, which is ashame. I've always thought she was a very talented young actress. Now she makes spot appearances on Star Trek ... a far cry from A-lister status.)

Spring Musings

Some stream of conscious ramblings on Spring ....

• Don't wear a wrap dress on a windy spring day. I can assure you when I was walking into the office this morning, I didn't look like Marilyn Monroe standing on the sidewalk over a subway vent. I looked like a girl who was mooning the folks huddling in the butt-hutt.

• Watch out for worm corpses on the sidewalk after it rains. They've unthawed and they're slippery. Take it from experience that you could end up doing a sort-of split, which you didn't even know you could do in an outfit that you shouldn't be doing gymnastics in, if you're not careful. I didn't do that, but it could happen to you.

• Don't try to come into my backyard if you're a 4-legged feline. I have booby-trapped my yard (again) and you WILL be sorry if you enter uninvited. I'm sick of your smells and messing up my garden. Assholes.

• And if you're a squirrel, don't ever have squirrel-nooky on top of my grill again -- especially when I can see you from my kitchen window. I've replaced my grill cover because, well. just because.

• One of my favorite spring-time dinners is a Maryland crab cake served with asparagus and white shoepeg corn or sliced fresh tomatoes. Note: if your crabcake has onions or peppers hanging out of it, it's not a Maryland crab cake. And if you put ketchup or cocktail sauce on your crabcake, don't even talk to me. The only acceptable acoutrements to a Maryland crabcake are worcestershire sauce and Saltines, and even that is pushing it.

• The first pedicure of the season is especially unpleasant. First of all, my feet haven't seen the light of day since September so they're quite gnarly. Secondly, they've been unpaddled and un-primped for about 6 months, so they're ultra-sensitive. I'm already extremely ticklish, so when the girl goes to town on the bottom of my foot it takes every bit of restraint in my body not to kick her right in the teeth. Everybody else in the salon is always relaxed and reading a magazine. I need a strait jacket. Or a valium.

• Cherry Blossoms -- Most people think "ah, how beautiful." I think that too, and in fact got to stroll around DC just when they were at their peak this year. Lovely. But the FIRST thing that comes to MY mind when I think about Cherry Blossoms is how our high school band use to march in the big Cherry Blosom parade every year. The parade was several hours long, and my mother would always pack me a juice box and some sliced apples to take with me. (Like I couldn't afford to skip a meal? Nuther topic for another day.) Problem was, there was nowhere to carry it -- except up in the top of my big gigantic Q-tip hat. Are you saying "Oh no you di-int!~?!?!?!?" I'm sayin "Oh yes, I did". I put it all in top of my big q-tip and marched through the streets of DC with my saxophone and a lopside hat filled with juice and apples. No wonder people made fun of me. And it was televised too.