Spring Musings

Some stream of conscious ramblings on Spring ....

• Don't wear a wrap dress on a windy spring day. I can assure you when I was walking into the office this morning, I didn't look like Marilyn Monroe standing on the sidewalk over a subway vent. I looked like a girl who was mooning the folks huddling in the butt-hutt.

• Watch out for worm corpses on the sidewalk after it rains. They've unthawed and they're slippery. Take it from experience that you could end up doing a sort-of split, which you didn't even know you could do in an outfit that you shouldn't be doing gymnastics in, if you're not careful. I didn't do that, but it could happen to you.

• Don't try to come into my backyard if you're a 4-legged feline. I have booby-trapped my yard (again) and you WILL be sorry if you enter uninvited. I'm sick of your smells and messing up my garden. Assholes.

• And if you're a squirrel, don't ever have squirrel-nooky on top of my grill again -- especially when I can see you from my kitchen window. I've replaced my grill cover because, well. just because.

• One of my favorite spring-time dinners is a Maryland crab cake served with asparagus and white shoepeg corn or sliced fresh tomatoes. Note: if your crabcake has onions or peppers hanging out of it, it's not a Maryland crab cake. And if you put ketchup or cocktail sauce on your crabcake, don't even talk to me. The only acceptable acoutrements to a Maryland crabcake are worcestershire sauce and Saltines, and even that is pushing it.

• The first pedicure of the season is especially unpleasant. First of all, my feet haven't seen the light of day since September so they're quite gnarly. Secondly, they've been unpaddled and un-primped for about 6 months, so they're ultra-sensitive. I'm already extremely ticklish, so when the girl goes to town on the bottom of my foot it takes every bit of restraint in my body not to kick her right in the teeth. Everybody else in the salon is always relaxed and reading a magazine. I need a strait jacket. Or a valium.

• Cherry Blossoms -- Most people think "ah, how beautiful." I think that too, and in fact got to stroll around DC just when they were at their peak this year. Lovely. But the FIRST thing that comes to MY mind when I think about Cherry Blossoms is how our high school band use to march in the big Cherry Blosom parade every year. The parade was several hours long, and my mother would always pack me a juice box and some sliced apples to take with me. (Like I couldn't afford to skip a meal? Nuther topic for another day.) Problem was, there was nowhere to carry it -- except up in the top of my big gigantic Q-tip hat. Are you saying "Oh no you di-int!~?!?!?!?" I'm sayin "Oh yes, I did". I put it all in top of my big q-tip and marched through the streets of DC with my saxophone and a lopside hat filled with juice and apples. No wonder people made fun of me. And it was televised too.