You're Quacking Me Up

The grocery store seems to be a place where odd things happen to me. Remember my Trashpicking incident? I was reminded of another incident that happened back before the holidays when I saw my neighbor riding his bike this morning .....

So I was doing my regular grocery trip amidst the massive Saturday pre-holiday crowds (because Saturday morning is a very smart time to go grocery shopping if you want to avoid a crowd, right?) when I had a bizarre series of encounters.

As I rounded the spice aisle and headed for canned tomatoes, I couldn't help but notice a tall rather gruffy looking man watching me rather intently as I walked towards him. I smiled and kept walking, but as I passed him I heard this bizarre noise. It sounded something like a foofie, but not. Whatever. Who doesn't let one out by accident in the grocery store once in a while? Keep moving.

A few aisles later as I was contemplating oyster sauce in "International", I could see him coming towards me once again. As he passed I heard the same noise, and this time I'd figured it out ...
Holy moly, this man was quacking like a duck at me!!

It didn't sound like someone pronouncing the word "quack." Noooo .... imagine the sound a duck would make if you had it pinned to the ground with your shoe on its neck applying a massive amount of pressure, but not enough to silence it. Yeah, THAT'S the noise ..... not cute and funny. (Let me clarify ..... any form of quacking at a person in the grocery store is weird if you're not actually a duck. I'm not really sure what cute funny quacking would be. Maybe if it came from a 2 year old? Probably not. I'm not too fond of most of them either.)

Anyway, I made eye contact after the second quack, and realized it's a man who lives in my neighborhood. How embarrassing that I didn't recognize him. The truth is, every time I'd ever seen him he was sitting, either on a bike or a barstool. My assumption was that he was really short, but truthfully he's quite tall. Still embarrassing -- I'd talked to him before, but definitely don't remember any duck noises.

So I went about my business, and yet a third time I encountered him somewhere around shredded cheese. This time I said "Hi George." And he quacked at me again!!! I never knew George had such a bizarre sense of humor. What the hell, I'll quack back. So I quacked back at George then proceeded to checkout.

When I got home I told Dave (amidst a lot of hysterical laughter) how George kept quacking at me in the Shop Rite, and how I'd quacked back. It was the funniest trip to the store I'd had in a long time.

Then I found out he has Tourette's and quacks all the time. I'm a friggin dummy, but how funny is that?

I've Kept Them Afloat

Here some companies and products whose companies should have no economic woes given the level of financial support I have contributed over the years:

Bounty Paper Towels - You're lucky I'm skeeved by dishtowels.

Comcast - You may be a rip off, but a day on the couch would be nothing without you.

Coor's Light - Although we're departed friends and I can support you no longer, I'm sure I drank more than 9 lives worth during my 20s and early 30s to assure financial stability for years to come.

CVS - aka Mecca

Espositos - Now THAT'S my kinda meat market!

L'Oreal -- Forget American Express, YOU are the one I never leave home without!!!

Macy's - Without you, I'd have to move to a nudist colony. That would suck ... for everyone involved.

Nine West -- My tootsies love you best!

Wawa - So good I could fall asleep in the parking lot.

Triscuits - There has been no other since I was introduced to Rosemary and Olive Oil.

State Farm - Like a good neighbor I've been with you for the last 15 years

Aqua Net - Never far from my mind ... literally

The Japanese Auto Industry - Toyota and Acura have been shuffling me all over the country since the day I rammed my Ford Mustang into the side of a gas station with no brakes.

Lists

As an obsessive listmaker, I can appreciate the compulsion to make lists of anything and everything. I love making a list, so much I've got them all over the place. And any topic is fair game. My friend Schue knows me so well, she gave me a list for my birthday ... and I loved it!!

So there's the obvious stuff to list: things to get at the store, party guests to invite, books to read, Christmas cards to send, errands to run. And then there are some bizarre lists I've made: names I'd rather have other than Lisa, things I wanna be when I grow up, guys an unnamed friend has slept with, all 50 states in alphabetical order (oh yeah, that's one of my own "homemade" puzzles when no crossword is available; it's not a question of can I do it, it's how fast .... nerd!)

But there's one list I don't make. Never did. And this occurred to me as I was watching "The Bachelor" the other night. (Yes, I AM embarrassed to admit I watch this.) The girls go on individual or group dates with the guy, and at some point they have conversations that are just positively painful to watch. Never in my life have I had a conversation like the ones I hear on this show:

GIRL: "So, what qualities are you looking for in a wife? (and they ALL ask this)

(Guy whips out his invisible list which is memorized just as well as my alphabetized list of 50 states, and starts rattling off adjectives)

GUY: I want a girl who is funny, smart, outgoing, a good heart .... What do you want in a guy?

GIRL: (Repeats list back, then says) "You're everything I want in a guy. You're so amazing."

GUY: "You're amazing too."

I cringe when I watch this. People don't really talk to each other like this, do they? Please tell me they don't. Of all the lists I've made (and have yet to make) in my life, the mating checklist is not one of them.

Here's a list of reasons why I don't like the mating checklist:

1.) It's stifling. People get so hung up on their checklist, they stop seeing someone for what they are, and they focus on what they're not. Yes, I've known people who have walked away from a good thing because of an unchecked box. Hmm. Let's move on.

2.) The checklist pays no regard to balance. Yeah, you may be easy going and Mr. Go-With-The-Flow. So much you're a big lazy slob with no initiative. Or you may have a great job ... but be a complete workaholic. Maybe you're funny ... but only once a year.

Point being, saying you are _____ doesn't mean you are____, or in a good way.

3.) It's stupid. Grow up.

Don't Let the Door Hit Ya ....

(nice sweater!)

Dear David & Victoria:

I hear David wants to leave the LA Galaxy and go play soccer for a team in Milan. This is probably a good idea since no one in this country really pays any attention to Major League Soccer anyway. Also, can you please take Tom and Katie with you?

And Vickie, no more come backs please. Your "band" sucked the first time around and you can't sing.

Sincerely,

babspeapod

Vegas Anyone?

I think companies that are taking bailout money should have to account for every single penny of the handout they are accepting. Now, this is hardly a unique or genius opinion, but after hearing two stories on this morning's news I'm a little bit livid.

Wells Fargo took a $25 BILLION handout, and guess what they are -- rather, WERE -- planning to do with it? I'll tell you: They had planned to host a 2 night retreat in Vegas for 40 people. Rooms were booked at both the Wynn and the Encore hotels. Why? Because the employee recognition conference is a tradition and an important part of their culture. Now I'm not saying they shouldn't continue to recognize employees, but a freebie to the Wynn?? Couldn't they at least stay at Circus Circus, or something? Or better yet, do what my company does and skip the trip and give them free ice cream or a $5 coupon for lunch at the cafeteria. I mean, seriously. How can these people sleep at night? They're using my money and yours to book vacations. I want to use my money to book MY vacation!

As an aside and rather ironically, I was actually the benefactor of one of the lavish employee recognition trips sponsored by Wells Fargo, years ago. My sister won an employee recognition award, and they sent her and a guest (moi) on a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas. All expenses paid ... gifts ... off shore excursions .... posh posh posh.

Anyway, the second company I wanna punch in the face this morning is Citigroup. They took $35.6 BILLION (I keep capitalizing that word because it's so huge I can hardly even fathom it) in taxpayer money and guess what they had planned to do with $400MILLION of it? Again, I'll save you the research time. They were going to buy naming rights to the Mets' stadium.

Thankfully, both of these fiscally irresponsible giants have been shamed into "reconsidering" their use of bailout money. But, I can't help wondering what else is going on that we don't know about. Personally, I think any company that takes a bailout should have to detail how they plan to use all of the money before they get the check ... then, they should be required full disclosure of all accounting once they receive it. There should be reviewers assigned to monitor everything they're doing for a period of time going forward. Any inappropriate use of funds should carry severe civil and criminal penalties for the executive decision-makers.

I'm sorry, but how else do you hold them accountable to exercise appropriate discretion? Apparently, the honor system ain't working.

And no more bailouts until appropriate controls are in place.

The CLAMorous Life

Yesterday I received a Lobstergram in the mail (as you may know from my previous post). It was a Lobster dinner/feast for two that my sister gave me for Christmas ... and it was fantastic.


Part of the dinner was a choice between clams, shrimp or mussels. I chose the clams. They arrived looking like this:

Yum! I steamed them in butter, garlic, parsley and white wine. Two dozen of them ... expecting them to turn out like this .....

Guess what? Ever hear of a geoduck? (It's pronouned "gooey duck") Well it's a type of clam, and it's the kind that arrived in my lobster dinner feast. So I cooked them up , and here's what they looked like ...





















Imagine two dozen of these staring you in the face.

Goodies

I've gone a little crazy with the online shopping over the past week. As a result, I've had a parade of delivery guys and a stack of pick-up slips on my front door. Well, "parade" and "stack"may be a slight exaggeration, but since I never really buy anything online it seems like a lot to me.

Anyway, here's what I've been finding on the world wide webmall:

Shampoo - My Mom left a near-empty bottle of her shampoo when she stayed over the holidays, so I decided to use the last of it before throwing the bottle away. It's a special shampoo that she used when her hair was growing back after chemo, and the label says it's for fine or thinning hair. I loved this stuff. My hair is very fine, and thankfully after my own bout with hair loss it's all grown back .... but, I dig this shampoo and want to keep using it. I couldn't find it in a regular retail store, but Amazon came through!

Camera - I've been taking pictures with the same Spiderman disposable for the last 2+ years and a digital camera that I got for Christmas about 8 years ago. I really do like to take pictures, so it was time to make an investment in something decent. Let's hope it's not too hard to use! I've been stalking this camera for about 2 months, and found it online for half the price of anywhere else. Nice!!

Curtains -- OK, so I didn't turn my house into a theatre and the curtains don't look anything like this, but I need curtains for the french doors in my bedroom. Thank you, Target!

Piano music -- I bought a piano over the holidays, which has been great. If you thought my blogging hiatus was long, it's nothing compared to the 25 year vacation I took from my first love. Not only am I pretty rusty on the ivories, but my music is terribly outdated. One book cover boasts that it includes "Everyone's Favorites" -- "What's Love Got to Do with It" and "Axel F" (you know, the theme song from "Beverly Hills Cop") Another book of "Today's Hits" contains the theme to "Hill Street Blues" and "Tomorrow" (from Annie). Now, the majority of what I play is classical music, but still .... it would be nice to have something a little more up to date. So what did I do? I ordered a book of 400 Broadway Show Tunes!! I CANNOT WAIT to have a big singalong party!!! (I know, it may just be Schue, my sister and I for that one!)

And the grand finale of deliveries .....

My sister gave me a Lobstergram for Christmas. Today, I'm working at home because the lobsters are live and have to be cooked the same day. The "Down East Feast" dinner for two contains:

Live Maine Lobsters

Lobster Bisque (I picked this over Clam Chowder)

Corn on the Cob (or potatoes)

Clams (shrimp or mussels are the other choices)

Bibs

Shell crackers

A lobster pot

Lemon

Butter

Thanks Laura ... I'm really excited to try this out, and will call to give a full report!!